Space Aliens Invade, Mistreated

Monday, August 15th, 2005 10:36 pm by Neal

From the Vault: I wrote this over a month ago after listening to one-too-many pity pieces on the murderers vacationing at Gitmo. It is presented here raw and unedited and reveals that I was cracking under the MSM bombardment…

Then came 7/7.

Space Aliens Invade, Mistreated

Monday, July 4, 2005
LONDON, UK — Three days after ruthless space aliens invaded the Earth — destroying 40% of the human population and most major cities — rumors abound of violent and humiliating treatment of the alien insurgents.

A CNN video shows that, after a XERCON Imperial battle cruiser decimated Chicago and crashed into a field, suburbanites beat the survivors with golf clubs, tied them up with bungie cords and made them watch “Independence Day” on DVD. They also offered microwaved dinners to their prisoners — not knowing that the aliens consider it an affront to present food with hands instead of regurgitating it, partially-digested, as is their custom. The carnivorous aliens were particularly insulted at the offering of vegetables and pleaded to the EU Cultural Sensitivity Minister to intervene.

Despite the worldwide broadcast of the “Peace At Any Price” concert from Paris — featuring Bruce Springsteen, Barbara Streisand, the Dixie Chicks and others — people aren’t yet accepting their subjugation peacefully or quickly: the surviving population of India is on a nation-wide fast, the French went on strike as soon as the rumor of invasion was announced, and in Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe has already warned the space aliens that any successful homesteads will be nationalized and the occupants jailed and blamed for destroying the country.

The alien situation is especially bleak in the United States where the military has fought back ferociously while the citizens have been excessively rude. “They fight like dogs. It’s as if they value their stupid freedom” said one alien. “They are resentful and no fun at all,” said another, “I think we should leave America and conquer the more civilized parts of the world. I’ve heard they really know how to party in Spain!”

A CBS/Newsweek poll posted today reports that 78% of Europeans and 40% of Americans believe “the US is being beligerent and insensitive of the diversity prospects of this peaceful conquest and deliverance”. On the other hand, an astounding 55% of Americans say they “value their selfish, personal autonomy over tolerance and respect for the diversity engendered by the merciful conquering liberators.” The poll has an +/- 2.3% error rate.

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