Thursday Night Jokes

Thursday, May 8th, 2008 10:39 pm by Neal

It’s been a tough week, so here’s a bit-o comic relief:

(HT: TJ)

A man checking into a hotel accidentally elbowed in the chest the woman behind him.

He turned to her, apologizing, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but if your heart is as soft as your bosom then you are going to have a blessed life.”

The woman responded, “Well, if your c**k is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 512.”

Happens all the time. Moving on,

This one has been around lately, still, it’s funny:

“We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.

On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a blonde with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.

Is there a contest here?”

And, best of all, this actual quote:

(HT: GPBurdell)

“One of the ironies of the last two or three weeks was this idea that somehow Michelle and I are elitist, pointy-headed intellectual types. … I filled up my own gas tanks.”
— Sen. Barack Obama

I know how he feels…

Here’s a good one that is wonderfully politically-incorrect:

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice,

“Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!”

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie’s varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts,

“No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord.”

A bit ticked off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again.

“No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord.”

Well and truly outraged that this little guy doesn’t seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage “OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!”

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing…

“A jazz chord to say I ruv you…”

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