southchild

(Hat tip: Uncle Jiles)

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.” Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it…”

***

(Hat tip: Tonya)

A guy calls his friend the horse dealer and says he has a hot prospect he’s sending over to buy a horse. The horse dealer says, “How will I know it’s him?” “Oh, it’s easy”, the friend says, “he’s a little person and he has a speech impediment.”

Sure enough, the buyer shows up. He’s quite small and has a terrible lisp and trouble with his Rs too. He describes the mare he wants and the dealer brings her out.

The buyer says “Pleathe lift me up tho I may thee her eyeth” and the dealer does. Next it’s “May I thee her earth?” “May I thee the mane?” And on and on and on.

The dealer gets tired and irritated with all the demands and when he hears “Now may I thee her twat?” he just loses it.

“I’ll show her twat, you pervert!” he yells, jamming the buyer’s head up under the horse and then dumping him to the ground only to hear,

“Perhapth I thould repreath that. May I thee her wun around a widdle bit?”

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 26th, 2009 at 7:44 pm and is filed under General, humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.